


Pretzal The Swamp Wyrm

by LuxInvictus



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bad Dragon Challenge, Established Relationship, Humor, Implied Top!Sam, Implied bottom!Lucifer, Lucifer in the Men of Letters Bunker, M/M, Samifer - Freeform, Sex Toys, Some OOCness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 08:20:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11642607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuxInvictus/pseuds/LuxInvictus
Summary: Sam’s new Bad Dragon toy comes in the mail. Lucifer finds it first.Written for the Bad Dragon challenge on Tumblr SPNRareship.





	Pretzal The Swamp Wyrm

**Author's Note:**

> Link to the toy:
> 
> https://bad-dragon.com/products/pretzal

-.-.-.-.-

Sam sighs, closing the large book of lore he’s been reading for way too long and squishes his eyes with his fingers until gold, red, and green fireworks erupt behind his eyelids. It kind of relieves the pressure of staring at dusty old pages for hours and hours and hours. All by himself. Because of course Dean would never sit his ass in an actual chair and read an actual book in the actual library and actually help Sam when he’s off doing whatever he’s doing, wherever he’s doing it.

Loud gurgling fills the library. Sam snaps his eyes open and jerks his head around, reaching for his knife as he mentally shuffles through every creature and monster and mean supernatural thingy that makes gurgly noises and might possibly be invisible. He comes up with nothing. Then the gurgle comes back, louder and accompanied by a pang in his gut, and Sam realizes sheepishly that it’s his own stomach, which is apparently so empty it’s started gnawing on his spine and groaning in agony. 

Massaging his middle, Sam turns back to the book. He could seriously use a break. Besides, the research is going nowhere. If he has to spend one more second squinting at faint, decades-old handwriting and decipher what it means just to find out it means nothing useful, his eyes are going to explode and dribble down his face in thick globs of white goo.  
Deciding that it can wait for some other time, or some other day, or some other…never…(never sounds good), Sam accidentally-on-purposefully forgets to mark his place before slamming the book shut and cramming it back on the shelf and hauling ass out of the library like there’s a posse of clowns on his six.

He’s almost to the kitchen, visions of salads and protein smoothies and other healthy snacks dancing in his head, when he hears the voices of angels. 

“You know more about these human things, Castiel. What do you think it is?” Lucifer asks.

“I do not know,” Castiel says solemnly, like he’s pronouncing a death sentence on a condemned prisoner. “Let us inspect it together.”

Sam pauses just outside the entrance and smiles softly to himself. It’s so good to hear them getting along, acting like brothers. Cas was naturally on edge after Lucifer showed up at the bunker, dehydrated and half starved and Graceless, but by no means human. But now that Lucifer is back inside Nick and is apparenlty there to stay, he and Cas have slowly mended their brotherly relationship and have been getting along better than Sam ever expected. 

Hell, Sam and Lucifer have been getting along better than Sam expected. Like, way better. Explaining that to Dean had been fun. For some reason he didn’t buy their “we just sorta fell into the bed at the same time and whoops! we fucked, huh, how ’bout that” story. But Sam’s pretty sure Dean will be having nightmares for the rest of his life about walking in on his little brother pounding literal actual Satan into the mattress, so. Silver linings and all that.

Something vaguely plastic-y crinkles in kitchen, drawing Sam from his thoughts. Two deep hums of analytical curiosity follow.

“It is very long,” Castiel observes. 

“And thick,” Lucifer adds.

Sam smirks to himself. Whatever it is, both angels are probably doing that angel head tilt of confusion thing. He can see it now.

“It is also quite bendy,” Castiel says. 

And then Sam’s research-fried brain adds all three together and comes up with ‘oh shit.’

He practically leaps inside to see Castiel thwacking the tip of Sam’s new Bad Dragon toy, Pretzal the Swamp Worm, back and forth like some kind of demented metronome.

Oblivious to Sam’s presence, Lucifer watches Castiel with one arm crossed over his chest and his chin propped on the other fist. “May I try?” he asks, holding out his chin hand for the toy. Castiel graciously hands it over. Taking it gingerly from his younger brother, Lucifer tilts it so the shaft of the dildo is parallel with the ground, then shakes it, making the plastic dick do an obscene wobble-flap move that has Sam blushing a bright tomato red.

Castiel watches Lucifer’s experimental motion intently. “Hmm. Perhaps it goes back and forth?” Lucifer obliges him, thrusting the toy in the air, and now it’s time to put an end to Angel Brother Bonding Time.

“H-hey guys, why do you have —” Sam clears his throat, because telling them what it is is the last thing he wants to do. “Where did you get that?” he asks instead.

“Hello, Sam,” Castiel says in that chewing-gravel voice at the same time Lucifer’s face brightens like a beam of sunlight breaking through overcast skies.

“Sammy!” he says. “Hey, do you happen to know what this is?” He gives the dildo a helpful waggle. As if Sam could possibly not know what he means by “this.” 

“Uhh…” Shit. Sam reaches up and rubs the back of his neck.

“It came in a box with your name on it,” Castiel says, saving Sam from coming up with some reasonable and marginally believable crock of bullshit he can feed them.

“You were busy, so we opened it for you,” Lucifer says, looking like a proud kitten that has dropped a dead mouse at his human’s feet and is expecting praise.

Sam sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, acting like he’s frustrated when really he’s relieved to have such a convenient conversational re-direct. “Guys, we’ve talked about this. If your name isn’t on the box…”

The angels exchange looks and then roll their eyes in tandem. “Don’t open it,” they chorus in flat, unenthusiastic voices.

“But we never get mail,” Lucifer says, sounding like the whiney hallucination incarnation of himself that haunted Sam’s every waking hour a few years back.

“We apologize for opening your mail to give ourselves the vicarious experience of receiving packages for ourselves,” Castiel says, sounding genuinely apologetic. “But now that we have opened it, we would like to know what it is.”

Trust Castiel to hang onto the “what is it” question like a dog with a bone. Sam chews his bottom lip. “Um.” God. This situation can’t get any worse.

“Hey Sam,” Dean says, wandering in from wherever he was doing whatever he was doing that wasn’t helping Sam in the library. 

Aaaand it officially got worse. Oh yay.

“Got a minute? I wanted to —” But Sam doesn’t ever get to find out what Dean wanted, because at that moment he sees the dildo Lucifer is still holding and his eyes and lips bug out in a picture perfect imitation of a goldfish.

Dean crooks a finger at the dildo. “What the fuck is that?” Lucifer ever so helpfully holds it up so Dean can get a better look at it. Never in his life has Sam wanted to bitchslap the Devil as much as he does in that moment. Dean jerks his head back in thinly disguised what-the-fuck, and Sam can hear the gears turning in his porn-addicted brother’s mind and knows he’ll figure out any second now.

Sam gives him the best puppy eyes ever, silently willing him to make like Elsa and let it go. No, Dean. No. Just shut up and don’t say anything, just shut up…

“Why do the angels have a dildo?”

Sam smacks his face with his palm. Of course Dean can’t just ever shut up. He should have known that. 

“What’s a dildo?” Castiel and Lucifer ask at the same time, turning expectant, curious faces up at Dean.

Apparently even Dean Winchester can’t bring himself to explain sex toys to two of the holiest creatures in existence, even if one of them was technically once evil incarnate. “Uh, you wanna take this one Sam?”

Sam throws him an epic bitchface and flips him off just before two expectantly curious angel faces swivel his way, eyes bright with curiosity and expectation.

But Dean started this, and fuck if Sam isn’t gonna make him finish it.

“Oh no, Dean, you're doing a fantastic job all by yourself of ruining everything. Please, continue. You couldn't possibly make it any worse.”

The angels do a simultaneous head-tilt of confusion at Sam. He twirls a finger to indicate they should look to Dean for all the answers to life, the universe, and everything dildo related. They share a look and then turn back to Dean like a pair of synchronized swimmers trapped on dry land.

By now Sam should have known not to tempt Fate and declare that something couldn’t get worse than it is, because Dean very much makes it worse by explaining, in very graphic detail, exactly what dildos are for.

Castiel squints at the dildo like he doesn’t quite believe Dean’s explanation. “If I understand correctly, this is supposed to go inside one’s anal cavity?”

Dean pokes his tongue into his cheek and presses a fist to his mouth to hold back the laugh brewing in his eyes. Sam just glowers, because this is all just fantastic. 

“Uh, yeah, Cas, that’s basically how it works,” Dean says in a strangled voice. Castiel nods slowly and continues staring at the toy like a police interrogator sweating a suspect.

And now Sam is Well and Truly Done. “Okay. Since we’ve all established that this is a dildo, and that it came in a box with my name on it, that means it’s my dildo. So hand it here.” He holds out his hand expectantly, just wanting this whole kerfuffle over with.

Dean snerks. “Dude, you bought a dildo? Why?”

Sam gives him a fake smile laced with heavy undertones of ‘I hate you.’ “Do you really want to know?” he asks in a syrupy sweet voice, looking pointedly at Lucifer and then back at Dean.

Dean blanches and gags. “Yeah, TMI Sam. C’mon Cas, let’s go…anywhere else but here.” Grabbing Castiel’s shoulder, Dean steers him out of the kitchen without giving him time to protest or ask why.

As soon as they’re gone Sam crosses his arms and turns to Lucifer, who’s scuffing his shoe on the floor and staring up at the ceiling like it’s the most fascinating thing he’s seen in his billions of years of existence. 

Sighing, Sam takes the dildo from Lucifer’s unresisting hands. “Dude…this was supposed to be a surprise. It was for us, and now Dean knows about it and ugh...I'm never gonna hear the end of this.”

Lucifer winces and finally looks up at him with those big blue eyes of his. “Sorry?”

He looks so much like a five-year-old getting scolded for stealing a cookie right before dinner time that Sam just can’t stay mad at him.

Huffing to himself, he waggles the dildo at Lucifer like an admonishing finger. “You know what this means, right?”

Lucifer cants his head to the side. “What?”

Sam smirks at him and juts out his chin. “I’m gonna have to punish you for this.”

Lucifer blinks, then takes a step closer to Sam, licking his lips. “Well, I suppose I earned it,” he purrs.

Sam laughs. “Understatement.” Smiling, he holds out his hand. Lucifer takes it, and, snacks forgotten, together they head for Sam’s bedroom to give Pretzal the Swamp Wyrm a proper welcome.

-.-.-.-.-

**Author's Note:**

> My first Supernatural fic! 
> 
> Constructive criticism always welcome! n_n


End file.
